European Banks announce voluntary bonus moratorium - April Fool's article

In a move that has shocked both the public and policymakers, the City of London has announced that it will not pay out bonuses for the next five years.

By Arlene McCarthy MEP

01 Apr 2014

The surprise move comes after a significant change of heart and culture at the top of the banking world.

Floyd Blankencheck CEO and president of top investment bank ‘Busten Blaimless & Co.’ told this website that his controversial statement that every day he was just doing “God’s work” was misconstrued.

“Doing God’s work means looking after ordinary savers’ deposits and not blowing it all on playing the markets. Banks and traders have learnt the lessons of excessive risk-taking.”

After paying out millions for PPI misselling and the Libor interest rate manipulation, traders in the City of London have been following an AA-style 12-step programme for excessive risk-taking and have now voluntarily agreed to a bonus moratorium.

The ‘recovering risk takers programme’ has been hailed a great success with bankers in demonstrating the sense that they owe a debt to society for their previous reckless behaviour.

“Doing God’s work means looking after ordinary savers’ deposits and not blowing it all on playing the markets. Banks and traders have learnt the lessons of excessive risk-taking.”

Bankers are now signing up for overseas aid work in their holiday periods in a sign that they want to make amends for the damage their speculative behaviour has done in the developing world.

The voluntary bonus moratorium comes just weeks after senior executives in the City of London expressed grave concerns about the consequences of an EU exit.

A source close to the heart of the City said that senior bankers had come to the conclusion that sacrificing their bonuses and forging a new allegiance with Brussels was the only way to protect their standards of living.

“Everyone is talking about the cost of living crisis in the UK but no one is acknowledging the situation that bankers are facing.  What about our squeezed middles?”

“After an impact assessment and hasty cost-benefit analysis we came to the conclusion that an EU exit would result in the loss of greater benefits than a moratorium on bonuses by driving up the cost of City essentials such as foie gras, Dom Pérignon and Alfa Romeo sports cars” the source confided.

Vice-President of the European parliament’s economic and monetary Affairs committee, Arlene McCarthy said that she was both surprised and encouraged by the change of heart in the banking sector.

“The last five years have been devoted to bringing in reform to clean up the sector and this new era of responsibility and selflessness is a major step forward. It will do more to restore confidence in the integrity of the banking sector than the 65 pieces of legislation we have introduced.”

McCarthy added, “It is great to end this five year parliamentary term with the banking sector acknowledging their part in the crisis by introducing self-regulation on the controversial bonus issue and it heralds a major change in the behaviour and culture of the sector.”

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